It was the very first time i actually cried on a bus... was listening to my mp3 and reflecting my thoughts for the past few weeks. Was really looking forward to this year, but it didn't seem like any difference at all. Mom's back to in and out of hospital again... I didn't know how to feel. It's all kinda like a mixed up world right now. Cried myself to bed many times... tried sharing it with friends and tell them i'm ok... but seriously, i'm not. I'm not as strong as what u see i am. What can i do except for looking up to Him? I don't think it's a matter of trusting Him anymore, bcos it's all about Jesus n not me. What if God decided to take my life or even mom's life away? I'm always reminded that my life journey is very much like Job. But come to think of it, Dad is more like Job. I'm suppose to be a little Ester n not Job. I don't know... not till today...

As i was reflecting on the bus, many bad thoughts came into mind. I was talking to Him and telling Him that i'm physically tired n emotionally n spiritually stressed out. Till a point i don't know what to say anymore... than the song "Rain down" by planet shakers was played on my mp3. It's kinda ironic, i always neglect the lyrics of this song n when it was my birthday, i was equally feeling bad n all n the same song was being played... but not until today, the lyrics was jaring at me. Every word seems to speak of what i really wanted to say to Him.

Went for the cre8tive seminar on sat at corner stone. The speakers, David, andrew and jon were previously from hillsongs, planetshakers and i don't know what... They were touching on the topic of worship. And one of the key factor was about pain. I was pretty confused of what does pain gotta go with worship. But when andrew spoke i cried. He shared about his testimony about his wife, ministry n the physical pain that he went through when he had an accident. He was going though exactly the same situation with me. In a sense we're all hurt, in pain, lonely... N he told us that it is only through pain, we'll be broken. N when we r broken b4 God, we'll be able to bring out the purest of worship. N that is what i experienced today. I finally understood what is worship. It doesn't matter whether u're good or not, or whether there's great music. All it matter is the heart n whether u connected with Him.

Through that song, i worshipped Him. It was first time in a long long while that i actually felt free. No more load on my shoulder. Though it's only during that time, i'm thankful i had spent that moment with my abba father. I know i'm loved. I felt it, i see it. I wanna thank you God for everything that's happened. Thank you for always using time that is out of my QT with u. Thank you so so much... i love u too. :)

Rain Down

I am falling to my knees
I need you Lord to breathe in me
My prayer is still the same
My heart is calling out your name

Sweet anointing fill this place
I am found in your embrace

Rain down on me
rain down on me
Here in your presence i am free
Pour down like rain
come touch me again
Lord let your presence fall on me

I'm longing just to see
Your power and your majesty

Sweet anointing fill this place
I am found in your embrace

Sweet anointing wash me over(x2)

(repeat)