Took some time to reflect upon what had happened for the past years. How my walk with Him has grew, or has it? Was wondering what should i name this entry. Titles like Why Lord, Confused, I'm afraid was all i thought of. It's not easy writing this. And i seriously meant it. I am even asking myself now, y do u want to write an entry when u r feeling so terrible inside? I don't know... i just want to.

Admist of all my business due to my assessment in sch, i went to the hospital today. Dr Chuah called me up on tuesday saying that he needs to see me urgently due to my special blood test results. At that moment, i didn't know how to react. It didn't help either when dad is like asking u questions like did u take ur medicine regularly with a hush tone as though i'm under interrigation. And when u told ur bro n he asked the same question n gave a smirk. And the best of all is when u told ur mom, she just looks at u without any expression. I cried. A sudden fear came to me n grib me. And it gribbed me hard.

Went and did the normal routine today, had blood test n waited for the results. From the normal blood test results i can already tell that the news later is going to be really bad. Normal body blood test result shows a 8 percent n below white cells, but mine had shot up to 10.5. Went to see doctor chuah n found out that the test results shows that i have 21 percent of cancerous cells in my body, whereby the previous one was 0.1 percent. So it shot up 20 times more. I was shocked. I didn't really know how to react, but smile. But inside me, i felt my world coming down again. If i tell u that i'm ok, i'll be telling u a lie. At that moment i told God, "God would u just be kind enough to bring me home?" I cried again. It was comforting to know that people r praying for me. But i really don't know how to face them. It's been 5 years. I remembered i told my brother just now. If only i did a bone marrow transplant 5 years ago i would be completely healed now. I don't have to go through emotional turmoil.

I had a time of processing when i reached home. I prayed, though i don't know what r His plans for me, but i do know that He will not let me go through things that are way beyong my capacity. It's hard. But i know He is with me. Though i might be alone here, but He will guide me. I really wanna thank Katherine for smsing me the song verse. It really encouraged me alot. For a moment i felt very self centered today, but i know God will understand. Please do keep me in prayer. I really need it. Let me grow in Him and accept His will for me.

I am arranged to go for a bone marrow test on the 19 March. Please keep me in prayer till than. They will need to double confirm the results that they have. Thank you all...

"God is too wise to be mistaken, God is good to be unkind, if you don't understand and you don't see His plan, if can't trace His hands trust His heart."

I know God would want the best for me. Lord lead the way...