I Never Knew...

I never knew that i'll miss your bubbly nature,
I never knew that i'll miss your hearty laughter,
I never knew that i'll miss your nosy wonder,
I never knew that i'll miss your naggy lecture.

How i wish i could turn back time,
To a place where i can show my gratitude towards you.
How i wish i could stop the clock,
And cherish the moments that we spent together.
How i wish i could look into your eyes,
And not show a single sign of sorrow.
How i wish i could sincerely say,
Mommy, I really love you.

I never knew how to cherish you
I never knew how to respect you
I never knew how to say i'm sorry
I never knew that i'll regret all that i do...

It's been 4 years plus since mom fell and became ill. It took me great courage to write this entry. For the past 4 years, i'm usually touchy whenever "mothers" are the topic. I haven't been able to talk to anyone properly about how i felt for the past 4 years, because it hurts... and it hurts real bad.

So y am i doing it now? Well, recently, i've attended the women's breakthru weekend organised by my church. To cut the long story short, i've met God during the camp and one of the many issues that i have to deal with is regarding my mom.

Actually, i don't think alot of you know. My mom fell 4 years plus ago and had a brain haemorrhage causing her to have a stroke and therefore, she's immoble and she's not able to talk and eat due to the tube she has in her throat and her stomach. She fell when i was half way going through my first year in NAFA. I was 17 then...

Mommy was the pillar of support in the family. Only thing was we didn't knew till the time she became ill. When she fell, alot of things at home changed. (I won't go into details) All in all, i didn't have a female figure at home whom i can consult with and life wasn't easy for me.

My relationship with my mom is just like any typical mother and daughter. We do our shopping together, we talk about boys and even quarrel at times. I wouldn't say that we r not close, but it's true that my bro and my mom r closer. But she's always the one to accompany me to the hospital for my checkups, pray for me and took care of me when ever i'm down with a fever and stuff. And i'm really happy and thankful for that. Apart from all the house chores, she works too. She was a kindergarden supervisor.

Ever since mom fell, she's missed out on alot of things. She wasn't there or rather she cannot be there for my 18th and 21st birthday. (If u ask what's my birthday wish, it will definately be for her to be healthy again.) She missed out on my first internship, my convocation (i didn't knew that my secondary school graduation will be her last), my first bone marrow test without sedation, my 2nd admission to the hospital, etc...

I don't know if u guys will understand how i feel. But my mom, she's alive. But to me, she seems as though she's suffering... I am thankful that God has sustain her thus far, but to go into her bed room everyday to greet her is something that hurts me everyday. She can't respond well to the things i say. I only share happy things with her, bcos i don't want to add on to her burdens and her pain. Many times when i say bye bye to her because i'm leaving, she'll cry. I don't know what she's thinking and i don't know what she wants.

There were so many times when i asked God, why, why me? and why my mom? i never got the answer... so i thought it'll be good if i could just bury the sorrow and pain deep down inside my heart and try not to touch it.

But during breakthru, God spoke to me.
Through Isaiah 55
8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.

9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

10 As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

12 You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands.

13 Instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree,
and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the LORD's renown,
for an everlasting sign,
which will not be destroyed."

I am reminded that the past 4 year plus that mom was ill wasn't wasted. The time that past by isn't wasted. Though through this 4 years, because of the emptiness that i felt has lead me astray away from God, but He spoke to me and reminded me that He is faithful. All i had to do is to trust Him. These were the take home verse that God gave me during the breakthru weekend...

Hosea 2:14-15
"Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her. And there I will give her her vineyards and make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. And there she shall answer as in the days of her youth, as at the time when she came out of the land of Egypt."

God has promised me hope, He promised that i'll be able to be joyful like i was when mom was well. Together we can rejoice together. I'm waiting for that time to come. And when it does, i know that Mom and I will be such a powerful testimony that we can reach out to more ppl and share more with our love ones the love that God can give, the hope and the promises that God has for everyone.

Mother's Day is coming. I know that i won't be feeling as sad as i was before. I know i don't have to force myself to smile anymore. Because i have faith in Christ who strengthens me. From deep within, my comfort comes from my Lord.

Mommy, i wanna say, Thank you. Thank you for all that you've done... Though u won't be able to see my blog entry, but i'll tell u face to face. I love you. From now on, you can depend on me and trust in God. I know His timing is perfect, that His desire for us is more wonderful than we can imagine. Let's continue to pray and surrender to Him. I'm looking forward to the day when u can say "Amen" together with me in an audible voice. I thank God for you. There's no one that can replace u mommy... :)

Wanna wish you a happy mother's day. And get well soon... :)