FEAR, n. See the Verb.

1. A painful emotion or passion excited by an expectation of evil, or the apprehension of impending danger. Fear expresses less apprehension than dread, and dread less than terror and fright. The force of this passion, beginning with the most moderate degree, may be thus expressed, fear, dread, terror, fright. Fear is accompanied with a desire to avoid or ward off the expected evil. Fear is an uneasiness of mind, upon the thought of future evil likely to befall us.

Ever fear something so much that all ur weaknesses were shown within split second? Well it happened to me, today.

I went to the hospital as usual but this time round was for my bone marrow test. I met Hui Fen at BPP's taxi stand and we took a cab down. Upon arrival i was still feeling rather happy, (though ever since mom became sick i kinda dread bone marrow test). I was sitting in the room while the nurses took my blood preasure and tempreature. I always loved the nurses there bcos they r all very understanding n kind. One of them attended to me and asked if this was my first time, jokingly i told them i'm very experienced, cos i've been visiting the hospital for more than 8 years now. (I think it's partly bcos throughout the years i changed too much, from short hair to long to wild to jpop n many other styles, that's one of the many reasons they can't recognise me) Than she told me the procedures to bone marrow. After she finished i asked if i'll be put to sleep, than it hit me... real hard.

Apparently it was on the papers. Sedation using combined intravenous midazolam and fentanyl is a popular technique for minor gynaecological procedures. However, it is fraught with inconsistency in efficacy and has a greater tendency to perioperative oxygen desaturation. From what i understand is that they uses sedation for bone marrow or some other minor "op" too. Bcos the pain is just TOO unbearable.

Ever since the news, they stopped giving patience sedation for all this minor "op". They strongly advice not to use it bcos it "might" affect ur respiratory system. There were 3 nurses in total trying to convince me not to use the sedative n that the doc might not allow it too. For the first time in my life, i felt totally stubborn. They took 30mins plus to try to talk me out of it, i kept on shaking my head telling them no that i want sedation and all but they seem rather strict.

I was trying very hard to stay calm there. For those of you that knows me, i think u'll know that i'm rather well composured n all, never have i turn pale with sweaty cold palms n feet, rubbing my fingers n drawing circles trying to keep cool, tears running down my cheeks without control. Fear grips me and it grips me real bad. Images of what happened during my first bone marrow flashes through my brain. The pain that i went through came back n my heart beat was beating faster than normal ppl. PLUS, mommy wasn't there to give me moral support. I couldn't say yes. I didn't want to say "ok i will be brave n go through without sedation" i am NOT prepared at all. I was trying to come out with ALL kinds of reasons that i can think of so that they will allow me to go on sedation, but in the end i told them, "if that's the case i'll rather go home now n not do the bone marrow test. it's ok n it doesn't matter to me."

To be frank, i hated myself there n then. Y can't i just go through it? Isn't God my strength n my refuge? But the thing is deep down i was scared. REALLY REALLY scared. There's this voice saying that it's better to die than to go through with all this pain. At that moment i went through mental and spiritual turmoil. I didn't know what to do. In the end the nurse came in n said that my doc allowed me to be sedated, but only 5MG which is a very low dosage which the nurses said there's no difference. But i still told them i want that 5MG and i'm sorry.

I totally understand where they r coming from. They r just concern n they want the best for their patience. So i wanna say thank you. I really hope u guys can understand, it's a mental n emotional struggle. I didn't came prepared.

After that they showed me to my bed. I went to change, n i cried in the toilet again. I felt unsure, not at peace, scared n i wanted to run away. Knowing that the 5MG won't do much also. I went back to my bed n Kor n Hui Fen prayed for me. I thank God, bcos immediately after the prayer, i felt peaceful. Though i am still a little skeptical about it. We were watching TV n saw Opphra's talk show, something about the law of attraction. Funny how ppl say if they visualize things that they want they will eventually get it (something like that) so i asked my bro, so if i visualize that there won't be pain later will it be true. But before he answered me i said, nah i doubt so... Anyway i am calm now, bcos i know God is with me.

We waited for a while n all n i started asking bro alot of random stuff. Like what happens if i really fall into depression n all, cos at that point i was still struggling inside. Than he said he will bring me to seek professional help, but he ended with pain is inevitable but to stay in misery is a choice, so therefore to be depressed is also a choice. He also said 1Thess5:16-18 Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. Isa41:10 So do not fear, for i am with you; do not be dismayed, for i am your God. I will strengthen you n help u; i will uphold u with my righteous right hand. After hearing those verses, the doctor came in with the rest whom i think r intern doctors.

It was the first time i got to see who is the doctor that is doing the bone marrow for me. He's really a nice guy. So r the rest. They reassured me again n again that it'll be ok. Than it happened. They sedated me but only half a dose, i felt drowsy but still rather concious. Than they gave the full shot of 5MG n i felt my body becoming heavier. Throughout the whole process i can hear them clearly telling me whats happened. I felt the pain, but somehow i felt peaceful i think partly bcos of the sedation too, cos it makes my body more relax rather than tense. I didn't know how long the procedure was, but when it was over i know i cried and all. But what i'm glad is i didn't scream or shout. So everything went through safely. (Thank you God) I prayed together with Kor n Hui Fen again thanking God for everything n that i was still rather concious, so next time i will be more prepared.

I don't know how will the result be, but i trust that it is in God's mighty hands and that in the near future when i go for bone marrow test again i'll be ready n a little more obedient. I am so sorry for the trouble caused everyone. I was shocked at how i responded today too. Hope that i didn't scare anyone in the midst of this.

Fear... Something that is still reletively real in alot of our lives, but i know that with the help of God all mighty, NOTHING is impossible for Him. :)