Was called back to the hospital for a early check up. Doc said that there's something wrong with my liver, so to double confirm that i had to go back and do the special blood test again. Katherine went with me this time round. I was very thankful that she went, even though she didn't get to stay for long. Went to do my blood test, a malay lady did it for me. She's pretty good too, though after pricking the needle in she still have to search around for my vein. Anyway, she took 8 tubes of blood by the 8th one my blood kinda stop flowing... Not good at all... but i think she will reuse from the others ba... Not sure about their procedure.

After that went to see the doc. It was a long long wait. Reached around 11, in the end only got to go in at around 1 plus. Actually i don't know the exact timing cos i don't have a watch with me. So i didn't bothered to check.

Went into the room and the doc confirmed that there's something wrong with my liver. He said that my liver is inflamated. Don't know what it is, but for normal ppl it suppose to be below 30 percent but for mine it was like 103 percent. So it's like 3 times more. Yes yet again the same situation occured. Doc said to stop my medication for 2 weeks and see how it is after that. He seem really concern. Bcos my current medication, one of the side effect is that it may cause damage to my other internal organs, which it is happening now, in the early stage. So i asked him what happened if after 2 weeks n my liver is still like that? He hesitated for a while. Than he said that there are other options, but he is still not sure n don't wanna jump into conclusion yet. So ya, that was his answer, but i did ask him the other options and he said that there's this new drug but it's still not open for sales yet, so it's only for clinical trial. In other words i'll be a mouse n be experimented on. Bcos it's only be in used for 2 years, so the doctors still don't know what are the side effects like. My dad didn't have much reaction, but told me that it might be a blessing cos it's free... Hai...

Truth is, i was waiting for him to say the other alternative is to go for a bone marrow transplant. But he didn't, I guess he figured out that when my dad said no to the transplant there wouldn't be a need for me to do it. But the truth is, i want to, if it's ever possible. To be really frank, i'm tired. Very very tired. Tired of going through this emotional roller coaster ride. Physically, mentally and emotionally draining. I am uncertain, of my future. Not that i don't trust God. Nothing like that, just if u were in my shoes, going through what i went through for 7 years isn't easy. Sometimes i really hope i can complain out loud, but most of the time i choose to keep it in, making myself hurt more. I'd rather go for a transplant before i turn 21. Bcos the risk will be lower. I know it's not something that i can take it so lightly with. But frankly speaking, i'll rather i suffer than to see everyone disappointed again and again bcos of my condition.

Recently, i haven't been very stable. With my walk with the Lord and with my own emotions. I cry myself to bed everynight, praying. There's loads of things that i feel burdened with. Alot of stuggles that i can't let go off. One thing is definately my health. Not that i don't believe He can heal, but more of when. It's a very very selfish thought i have. It all boils down to what i want now and i no longer see God. It's blinding me from Him. If you happen to be reading this, pls pray for me. I may not be as cheerful as i am nowadays, i hope u guys will understand. Bcos i am seriously feeling very confused inside. I don't know what to do. Thank you, i'll stop writing now...